It Was Cute... At First

The new puppy dog was cute at first, until it started taking dumps in the living room. But it wasn't just the dumps in the living room either. It was how it rolled its body over the top of those dumps, squishing it around and all over the carpet creating a giant shit stain.

Then it began eating the drywall in little sections, just a bit at first, until a month later half the wall in our bedroom was exposed to insulation and studs. Fed up, we threw the stupid animal in the garage where it belonged. Its new home.

It barked like a sonofabitch. Day and night. Neighbors complained. Cops were called out. When I opened the door, I said 'What, its just a cute little puppy?' I only opened the door a little bit, with the security chain on. I was ashamed.

I threw an old mattress out on the garage floor for it to lay on. It was winter and very cold and I didn't want its bones lying on a freezing concrete floor. A month later, the entire mattress was eaten. Just steel springs left. The dog shit the fabric, had it tangled up in its runny piles. One time it had gotten into a box of Christmas ornaments, the next day I saw the dog squatting out a coil wrapped in silver, K-Mart holiday tinsel. It looked like the Tin Man's beard inside a meat sock.

The tipping point was when the dog began eating our adjoining door that led from the garage to the living room. I opened the door and felt it buckling in my hand. When I looked out into the dark space of the garage I saw the animal on top of an old schoolhouse desk antique that I got at an auction. It had urinated all over it. There was a large King James Bible that was chewed in half and what was remaining was matted with hair and, more dogshit, on the front. It didn't even fear the word or our Lord.

This dog was demonic. I needed to call in an exorcist.

The animal was eating our entire house, destroying it. I thought maybe it had a metabolism problem so I went to the vet. The vet looked at the dog and said it was part wolf and that was the problem. The dog needed to be outside, in the wild. He suggested I also get it some chew toys and snacks so it would eat those instead of our house.

"Go get the dog a bullwhistle."

"A bullwhistle? What's that?"

The doctor said, "Its a bull's penis, dried of course."

I went to Costco and got it a pack of bullwhistles. A 12 pack. A dozen bull dongs.

Our dog tore into them, just started sucking bull dick. Our dog sucked bull dick all day long. I turned my dog into a homo. It just sat around after that, chewing, licking and slathering over the bull dicks like gay porn.

At least it stopped destroying our house.

















We finally were able to let the dog back into our house again, after gaying it.

I would come home, look down, and there it was, a giant animal schlong in its mouth, just sucking that dick down to its nub. And then off it would run down the hallway, the bullwhistle sticking out from its face like a big old cigar. Gay pride, man. My dog is not ashamed of it. Loud and proud.